So....

...Halloween is swiftly approaching, along with my 20th birthday. I remember waaaayyy back when this upcoming week in October was the best thing EVER. A time when the benefits of a birthday and the innumerable pounds of candy would propel my level of personal content to unimaginable heights. Now, the benefits of a birthday and pounds of candy still sound great, but I am much more concerned with "the real world" and frankly, FUCK the "real world." I'm pretty sick of being home by now and it's only late October. I have until mid-January to try to survive here. It isn't all bad though, I've been lucky enough to take advantage of the local music scene as my loyal blog readers would know. In fact, I am slated to record the second half of my songs sometime within the next couple of weeks and I plan to release them along with the "Art School Approach EP" as one larger full length. I'll be posting the lyrics to four of the new songs later in this entry. Woo, you're all so excited, I can tell. Really.

Anyhow, I feel pretty good. These past few months have been rough for me. Granted, thats as much my fault as it is anyone else's. Breakups aren't cool and this one got to me pretty bad. But, I've come to realize the benefits of feeling as hurt, angry, and lost as I did. I can see how the situation has changed me for the better and how now I feel much healthier than I have since before the start of college. For realz. I can see how I acted as an ingrate and child for the past few years. I can see the decisions I made which hurt people who love me and which ended up alienating me from developing and/or continuing relationships which I truly did love looking back on it. It stinks to realize that you've acted like a moron, but at least I know not to act that way again and for that I'm better off.

For a while, I thought a lot of the things that happened weren't my fault at all. Then, for a while I thought everything was my fault. But now, like Goldilocks, I have discovered the perfect balance in my porridge of blame (yes I did just reference Goldilocks, I know, I suck, whatever). I've realized it doesn't effing matter whose fault what was. This is especially true in my past relationship. I kept looking for someone to blame whether it was me or her. But now I know it just doesn't matter. All that matters is that our feelings for each other were real and that I meant just about every single word I ever said to her. In realizing this, I feel like my whole person has been absolved of some incredible weight. Somewhere inside of me I do sort of have the childish wish that all could still be saved between us and we could realize our faults and once again feel the way we did about each other. But, I'm not stupid and the world isn't a fairytale. I think that might just be the woeful artist/writer in me coming out. I hope she's happy, even if it isn't with me and that's something I never thought I'd be able to say and actually mean about someone.

In other news, Im turning 20. Hot damn, 20 years old! I can do absolutely nothing more than I was able to this past year, the only difference being that I will officially be stripped of the title "teenager" which isn't so bad I guess. I'm looking forward much more to spending the weekend at Hampshire College with one of my best friends and partaking in some delightfully costumed debauchery. I'm dressing as the scariest possible thing I could think of for Halloween this year...A MCCAIN SUPPORTER!!! The thought of it chills me to my core.

Anyhow, here are the lyrics to four songs I recently finished writing and intend to record with the next batch in the upcoming week or two. The subject matter is a little different from the last go round, lets see if you can figure out what they're all about. Feel free to ask and keep posted on them here and my Myspace. If you care, that is.

LYRICS:

Just Like Before
and I know it's alright to feel alone
it's alright to try to drown in your own words
and i think that i fell in love again
that i let myself go down that same path

just like before

and i want to make you my own
'cause you don't want to be alone
even though you should
did you feel the way that we touched?
it sent a chill down my bones into my boots

just like before

just a little more time
another word to rhyme
another song to sing about myself
another way to go
just another show
a way to hide how lonely i feel now

just like before

Dreamin'
stop, pass the pipe this way
blow out the smoke that clouds your head all day
lay down the blanket, rest your head on my arm
under the old tree in the back of your yard
and then i wake up.

suddenly woken from my sleep, i snuff out my candle
then, im back in the dream, my eyes scan your frame
stare at shapes in the clouds; that one looks like you
even though it's not true, you kiss me anyway.

breathe, take a look at the scene
"how could this work?"
"only in a dream, under that tree."
maybe we could be more than a dream
a dream within a dream
a dream within a dream

Let it Ride
well, would it be okay if I asked to stay the night?
we'll share your bed and your cozy sheets and hold each other tight
I know that we're just friends but here on such a frigid night
we'll let whatever happens go, I say lets "let it ride"

and these changes
are strange to feel
and these changes
dont seem real
but this is how i cope
so let's let our worries go
get gone.
flyin' in the wind.

I say to you that we should get some coffee on sunday
we could walk and we could talk and waste the day away
I think i know just what I want but I dont want to say
So ill make a move in hoping that you'll feel the same

and these changes
are strange to feel
and these changes
dont seem real
but this is how i cope
so let's let our worries go
get gone.
flyin' in the wind.

In Trees
as we sit and we chat of the times gone past
i reach for a bottle of wine
i ask that you stay with me on the grass
im certain you have more time

here, take a bite of this magical fruit
and in time your mind will see
see the world for itself so easy and free
as we bake in the sun and its shine

so we pass
one more time
'cause we need no place to hide
and we drink
all the wine
and the world, it looks just fine

we can hear all the sounds, we can feel all the noise
of the static that dampens the day
we can rise, we can fall with the highs and the lows
of the tide as it rolls in the bay

if there's a place and a time, there's a will and a way
to make all your troubles be free
so let's find some time and a place in the woods
to admire the beauty in trees

so we pass
one more time
'cause we need no place to hide
and we drink
all the wine
and the world it looks just fine

yes, the world it looks just fine.




Thanks for reading all of this, stay posted and keep on smiling.

P, B.

I really really really fucking hate...

when i can't fall asleep and I don't know what to do so i fiddle around with a guitar, write some words, discard the words, put the guitar down, read a little bit, and then resort to updating a blog which i haven't touched in way too many weeks.

Im feeling a nice long entry coming up after this Holiday weekend in which I will get to see all of my delightful chums and compadres.

Ummm....3 quick things before i peace out.

-Rage Against the Latrine...lolz Weiner
-Literate Citizens...pomo hip-hop fur shiz
-The new Dungen Album...utterly amazing

Bye Now.